I can save entertainment

I see they’re making a Matlock reboot. I never watched Matlock, because I wasn’t old in the 1990s, so I have no feeling on the subject except a little weariness in my soul when I read the word “reboot".”

Maybe someday we’ll get an influx of new shows. I’d like to offer my services in pitching a few ideas.

A promising football career is cut short when a young quarterback is decapitated in a traffic accident. Kept alive by a breakthrough in science he now makes a living doing the only the he knows how. HEAD COACH: Friday’s on CBS

After being struck by lightning a small town judge is able to detect if a person is lying provided they’re wearing Air Jordans. JUDGE MENTAL: Thursday’s on NBC.

A retired American nanny is the spitting image of Queen Elizabeth. Desperate to keep the inept prince from coming to the throne after her death, the royal family makes her the figure head of the British Monarchy. One problem: She’s black. QUEEN BEA: weekly on Netflix.

The CEO of a dating app is held hostage when pirates take over his holiday cruise. His one chance at freedom rests with his ability to convince the pirates what they really need is love. ‘SHIPS AHOY: Friday’s after HEAD COACH

Producers, you know where to find me.

P.S. Please leave Columbo alone.